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Don’t Drive Their Car

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I was leaning through the window of my son’s car trying to grab the steering wheel.

That’s the picture Emily Ricks painted for me, and it hit hard because I’ve done the exact same thing. Not literally—yet—but emotionally, every time my oldest digs his heels in, one-word grunts his way through a conversation, or refuses to open up about school or feelings. I’m over there thinking, “This is how you should think. This is who you should be. This is the direction you should go.” Meanwhile, nobody’s driving my car. I’m becoming the worst version of myself, raising my voice, getting frustrated, and wondering why the connection keeps slipping.

Emily is a mom of four, a certified life coach, and a disciple of Christ. She coaches mostly women, but the tools she uses work for dads too—especially when the teenage years start and the control we used to have starts feeling like an illusion. We talked about faith, holding space, middle school, and the one piece of advice she wants her kids to carry forever. Here’s what stuck with me.

The Illusion of Control

Emily and her husband spent years walking and talking about their kids, slowly realizing they were trying to make their children become miniature versions of themselves. “We want them to believe this. We want them to achieve that. We want them to think this way.” It felt like good parenting. It wasn’t creating the connection they actually wanted.

Control is an illusion. You never really had it. The more you grasp for it with a teenager, the less influence you have. They start seeing you as the enemy instead of someone who’s with them on the journey.

Emily’s own story with her oldest son (now 21) makes it concrete. Around 12 and 13, she was locked in on his grades, his friends, his screen habits, his everything. When he didn’t change fast enough, the conversations escalated. She felt shame afterward—“Who is this crazy mean woman?” The shift didn’t start when he got better. It started when she stopped trying to drive his car and started driving her own.

Drive Your Own Car First

Thoughts create feelings. Feelings create actions. Actions create results. That’s the model Emily teaches.

When you’re trying to control your kid’s thoughts, feelings, and behavior, you’re not managing your own. You’re reactive. You’re tense. Your fists are clenched, your jaw is tight, and the amygdala is running the show. Emily’s advice lines up with what I’ve talked about on the channel before: in the moment, drop your jaw, unclench your fists, and take one slow breath. That simple reset gives you space to choose who you want to be instead of reacting to who your kid is being.

Long-term, the work is noticing the thoughts that create the tension (“He should be further along,” “If I don’t fix this, he’ll never be okay”) and choosing different ones. You can still have standards, consequences, and boundaries. You just stop waiting to love them until they meet those standards.

Unconditional Love (With Boundaries)

Emily said something that landed clean: love is a decision you make for you. You get to feel love for your child exactly as they are right now—not after they become responsible, respectful, or good at school. You’re not waiting until they’re 18. You’re not waiting until the grades improve or the one-word answers turn into paragraphs.

That doesn’t mean zero consequences. It means you choose the feeling of love in your body instead of the feeling of frustration or disappointment. In her case, when she went first, her son eventually responded. It doesn’t always happen that way. They still get to choose who they become. But your orientation toward them changes first, and that changes the whole atmosphere of the house.

Hold Space for Your Wife and Your Kids

I asked her what a dad can do when his wife is stressed about the kids and he wants to help without making it worse. Her answer was “holding space.”

Holding space is not agreeing with everything (“You’re right, this is terrible”). It’s not dismissing (“You’re overreacting” or “It’s not that bad”). It’s setting your own judgments on the shelf for a few minutes and getting curious:

“Tell me more about what you’re feeling.”
“What is that like for you?”
“Who else is this impacting?”

Most people—wives included—just want to be heard without being fixed or steered. You can do the same with your kids. When they’re stressed or upset, put your opinions second. Listen first. Then, if it fits, ask: “Can I offer a different perspective?”

It’s not 24/7. You’re still a parent with opinions. But practicing it even for 60 seconds or 10 minutes in a hard moment changes the conversation.

Middle School and the Force Field

As kids hit middle school, they’re trying on different friendships, personalities, hobbies, and study habits the way they try on clothes. The gift you can give them is acknowledging that. “You’re figuring out who you are. That’s normal. I’m curious what you’re learning.”

Control makes them push away. Influence—showing up as someone who’s excited about their growing independence and willing to walk with them—makes your voice louder later.

For the social stuff, especially with girls but also with boys, Emily talks about an inner force field. Other kids can say mean things. Those words don’t automatically create your kid’s emotions. Their thoughts about the words do. Same comment, different thought, completely different feeling. Teaching them (and reminding yourself) that they get to decide what they believe about themselves is more empowering than trying to control every other kid at school. You can’t control the high school. You can help your kid build the force field.

Faith Changes How You Parent

Emily believes how we view God as Father projects onto how we parent. If we picture a God who only loves us when we measure up, we tend to parent that way. If we see a God who loves us as we are and believes in our potential, we get to offer that same thing to our kids.

Faith also gives community. Other parents who are also in the struggle. Nobody has the perfect experience. That reminder alone is worth the Sunday morning.

Make Time for Coaching

We’re all busy. The grind is real. Emily’s pushback is simple: you have time to ruminate, worry, and get into heated arguments with your teenagers. You have time for coaching. Any time spent aligning your thinking pays back times ten because the defeating, controlling thoughts are what actually drag you down.

She works with men and women of any faith (or none). Free call first so both of you can see if it’s a fit. Site: emilyrickscoaching.com.

The Diamond Advice

I ask every guest the same question: if your kids forget everything else you’ve taught them except one piece of diamond advice, what do you want them to keep?

Emily’s answer: they have the power to shape their experience by the way they think. They’re not the victim of the things that happen to them. Circumstances are one part of the model. Thoughts, feelings, actions, and results are the parts they control. Understand your thinking, and you can create the life you want. Don’t understand it, and you’ll keep getting results you don’t like.

That’s the whole conversation in one line.

Dad, if you’re in the middle of the one-word answers, the bad grades, the new friends you don’t love, or the feeling that you’re becoming someone you don’t want to be—start by driving your own car. Choose the love. Hold some space. Take the breath. The influence comes after the control is released.

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