Lessons from Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers: How Dads Can Build Stronger Bonds with Their Wives and Kids
Apr 17, 2025
Hey dads, Ryan here. As a father of three—a nine-year-old boy, a six-year-old boy, and an almost four-year-old daughter—I’m always on the lookout for wisdom to help me navigate the wild ride of parenting. Recently, I had the privilege of sitting down with Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers for my podcast, and let me tell you, it was a game-changer. Dr. Tina, a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, and author of Shameless Parenting and Sex, God, and the Conservative Church, dropped some serious knowledge on intimacy, parenting, and raising shame-free kids in a hypersexualized world. Her insights hit home, especially for us dads trying to balance our roles as husbands, fathers, and men. Here’s my take on the key lessons from our conversation and how you can put them into action with your wife and kids.
Lesson 1: Redefine Intimacy with Your Wife—It’s About Connection, Not Just Sex
One of the first things Dr. Tina tackled was what happens to intimacy after a baby arrives. As a dad who’s been through the newborn phase, I can relate to the shock of going from “just us” to “us plus a tiny human who needs everything.” Dr. Tina explained that the postpartum period is a hormonal and emotional rollercoaster for your wife. Her body isn’t fully hers anymore, she’s exhausted, and pleasure might just mean an extra hour of sleep. Meanwhile, us guys are often left wondering, “When will things get back to normal?”
Here’s the kicker: Dr. Tina says “normal” needs a new definition. Good sex isn’t just about ejaculation or making sure she’s “happy enough.” It’s about connection and shared pleasure, whatever form that takes. She suggested sitting down with your wife before the baby comes and brainstorming all the ways you’ve ever felt connected—five-minute cuddles, long talks in the shower, or just holding each other in bed. Write them down, stick them on a piece of butcher paper behind your bedroom door, and keep adding to the list. This “connection menu” becomes your go-to when life gets hectic.
How to Implement This:
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Have the Conversation Early: Sit with your wife—maybe over a glass of wine or during a quiet evening—and ask, “What makes you feel close to me?” Be curious, not defensive. Share your answers too. Dr. Tina emphasized that men want to feel their wife’s presence and heart, not just a physical act. This talk can open doors to deeper intimacy.
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Diversify Your Intimacy: After our daughter was born, my wife Allegra and I struggled to find time for each other. Dr. Tina’s idea of quick connection moments—like a 10-minute back rub or a shared coffee break—would’ve been a lifesaver. Try one new connection idea each week, like watching a favorite show together or taking a walk hand-in-hand.
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Check In Regularly: Dr. Tina stressed that women need to feel seen, known, and accepted. Ask your wife, “What do you have energy for today?” or “How can I make you feel loved?” These questions show you’re learning her, not just expecting her to adapt to you. I’ve started doing this with Allegra, and it’s helped us navigate tough days with more grace.
Lesson 2: Talk Openly About Arousal and Pornography—Break the Shame Cycle
Dr. Tina didn’t shy away from tough topics, and her take on pornography was eye-opening. As dads, we often face pressure to “handle” our arousal cycles, but society doesn’t teach us how to talk about it. Dr. Tina pointed out that porn can be an escape for some men, offering a quick dopamine hit but not addressing the heart’s deeper need for connection. She also highlighted how women are often threatened by porn due to cultural messages that their bodies aren’t “enough.”
Her solution? Separate masturbation from pornography and have honest conversations with your wife about your needs. Masturbation can be a healthy way to manage arousal, but secrets erode trust. Dr. Tina encouraged couples to discuss how often each partner feels the need to move through their arousal cycle and what intimacy means to them. This openness reduces shame and builds a stronger partnership.
How to Implement This:
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Start Small: I’ll admit, talking about arousal with Allegra felt daunting at first. Dr. Tina’s advice to approach it with curiosity helped. Try saying, “I want us to understand each other better. Can we talk about what we each need to feel good?” Keep it light and non-judgmental.
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Set Boundaries Together: Discuss what role, if any, pornography plays in your life. Agree on what feels respectful to your relationship. For me, Dr. Tina’s point about porn not meeting the heart’s need for connection was a wake-up call to prioritize real intimacy with my wife.
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Model Vulnerability: Dr. Tina noted that cultural shame around sexuality starts young. By being open with your wife, you’re modeling how to talk about tough topics without shame. This sets the stage for honest conversations with your kids later.
Lesson 3: Teach Your Kids About Power and Emotions—Raise Warriors and Poets
As a dad to two boys and a girl, I was all ears when Dr. Tina dove into raising kids in 2025. She shared a powerful story about teaching her nine-year-old son about power when he tried to bribe his younger sister with a lollipop to clean his room. By framing it as an “abuse of power,” she helped him see how his actions affected others. This lesson stuck with him, shaping how he used his influence as a teen and adult.
Dr. Tina also emphasized emotional literacy, especially for boys. When her son was discouraged from crying in first grade, she affirmed his tender heart as a strength. For girls, she focused on teaching them their inherent value, not tied to pleasing others. Her approach is about raising kids who are both warriors—confident in their power—and poets—attuned to their emotions.
How to Implement This:
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Talk About Power: With my nine-year-old, I’ve started noticing moments where he tries to boss his younger brother around. Inspired by Dr. Tina, I now ask, “Does that feel fair to him?” or “How are you using your power?” It’s a simple way to teach empathy and responsibility. Try this when you see your kids leveraging their age or size over siblings or friends.
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Validate Emotions: Dr. Tina’s story about her son’s tender heart hit me hard. My boys sometimes get teased for being “soft,” so I’m making a point to say, “Your feelings are strong, and they make you a great friend.” For my daughter, I’m reinforcing that she’s valuable just as she is, not because she’s a “good girl.” Ask your kids, “What do you feel right now?” and listen without judgment.
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Encourage Action: Dr. Tina’s son stepped up at a high school dance to confront a bully, using his power for good. I want my boys to be like that—ready to stand up for what’s right. Share stories of courage with your kids, like Jesse Carstairs’ example from my last podcast, where a boy needed someone to intervene during a school assault. Ask, “What would you do if you saw someone being hurt?”
Lesson 4: Prioritize Your Marriage—It’s the Foundation for Your Kids
Dr. Tina dropped a truth bomb: the best gift you can give your kids is a strong marriage. Kids feel secure when they see their parents hugging, laughing, or even locking the bedroom door for “alone time.” She referenced John Medina’s research showing that kids in calm, loving homes perform better in school because they’re not distracted by worry. This resonated with me, especially after Allegra and I’s recent daddy-daughter dance, which was a core memory for our daughter. That joy came from a foundation of love she sees between us.
Dr. Tina also urged couples to make time for each other, even if it’s a weekend away every few months. When her daughter-in-law took a solo trip, it restored her energy and modeled self-care for her kids. This hit home—Allegra and I need to prioritize date nights or getaways to keep our spark alive.
How to Implement This:
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Show Affection Openly: Take a page from John Rosemond’s Parenting by the Book, which Dr. Tina echoed. Hug your wife in the kitchen, kiss her when she gets home, and let your kids see it. I’ve started giving Allegra a quick squeeze when we’re cooking dinner, and our kids giggle—it’s a small moment that builds their sense of safety.
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Plan Getaways: Dr. Tina’s three-month cycle—one parent takes a solo weekend, then the other, then a couple’s trip—is genius. Allegra and I are planning a night away in a nearby city, just to talk and reconnect. Find a trusted friend or family member to watch the kids and make it happen.
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Lock the Door: Dr. Tina’s advice to tell kids, “We’re playing and we like to play alone,” is bold but brilliant. It teaches boundaries and shows your marriage is a priority. Try it next time you need couple time—it’s a clear signal to your kids that your relationship matters.
Lesson 5: Be the Play-by-Play Announcer for Your Kids’ World
One of my favorite takeaways was Dr. Tina’s approach to media literacy. While watching So You Think You Can Dancewith her granddaughters, she turned commercials into a game, asking, “What are they trying to sell us?” This helped her girls see through manipulative messages. In a world bombarding our kids with “you’re not enough,” we dads need to be their guides, like a play-by-play announcer giving context to the chaos.
For my daughter, who’s almost four, this means teaching her that her value isn’t tied to looks or clothes. For my boys, it’s about countering the “tough guy” narrative that dismisses their emotions. Dr. Tina’s book Shameless Parenting is a goldmine here, offering age-specific tips for these conversations.
How to Implement This:
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Play the Commercial Game: Next time you’re watching TV with your kids, try Dr. Tina’s game. Ask, “Who’s this ad for? What do they want us to think?” My nine-year-old loves picking apart ads now—it’s like a detective mission. It’s a fun way to build critical thinking.
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Affirm Their Uniqueness: Dr. Tina’s point about celebrating differences stuck with me. I tell my daughter, “You’re special because you’re you, not because you look a certain way.” For my boys, I say, “Your kindness makes you strong.” These affirmations counter media messages that erode self-worth.
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Read Shameless Parenting: Dr. Tina’s book breaks down what kids are curious about at each age and how to respond without shame. I’m using it to prep for talks with my nine-year-old about body changes, keeping it simple and age-appropriate. Grab a copy and read a chapter ahead of your kids’ current stage.
Lesson 6: Embrace Your Kids’ Value and Imperfection
Dr. Tina’s “diamond advice” to her grown kids was profound: see yourself as radically valuable and radically imperfect. This mindset fosters humility, curiosity, and resilience. As dads, we can instill this in our kids by celebrating their worth while normalizing mistakes as learning opportunities. It’s about teaching them they’re on a lifelong mission to grow, not to be perfect.
This hit me personally. I sometimes put pressure on my boys to “get it right,” but Dr. Tina’s advice reminded me to focus on their hearts, not just their actions. For my daughter, it’s about ensuring she knows her value isn’t tied to pleasing others, a lesson Dr. Tina stressed for girls.
How to Implement This:
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Celebrate Effort Over Outcome: When my six-year-old messes up, I now say, “You tried hard, and that’s awesome. What can we learn for next time?” It shifts the focus from perfection to growth, as Dr. Tina suggested.
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Affirm Their Worth: Dr. Tina’s advice to tell your kids you loved them before they were born is powerful. I’ve started saying to my daughter, “I loved you before I met you, and I’ll always love you.” It’s a reminder of her inherent value, no matter what.
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Own Your Mistakes: Dr. Tina encouraged asking kids, “Have I ever made you feel unloved?” This vulnerability shows them it’s okay to be imperfect. I tried it with my nine-year-old, and it led to an honest talk about a time I was too hard on him. It deepened our trust.
Final Thoughts: Step Up, Dads
Talking with Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers was like getting a roadmap for fatherhood in a world that’s tough on families. Her lessons—redefining intimacy, breaking shame cycles, teaching power and emotions, prioritizing marriage, guiding kids through media, and embracing their value—are practical and profound. As dads, we have a unique role in shaping our wives’ and kids’ sense of safety and worth. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
I’m already putting these ideas into practice. Allegra and I are planning a weekend getaway to reconnect, I’m having “power talks” with my boys, and I’m reading Shameless Parenting to stay ahead of my kids’ questions. My challenge to you is to pick one lesson from Dr. Tina and try it this week. Maybe it’s a heart-to-heart with your wife or a media literacy game with your kids. Whatever it is, take that step. Your family’s worth it.
Check out the full podcast episode to hear Dr. Tina’s wisdom firsthand, and grab her books on Amazon or your local bookstore. Follow her on Instagram @DrTinaShameless for more insights. Let’s keep learning, growing, and showing up for our families. What’s one thing you’re going to try from this episode? Drop a comment below—I’d love to hear from you.
Stay strong, dads,
Ryan